Bloodtype Online

    After their home planet becomes incapable of sustaining them an alien race decides that the Earth would be a marvelous place to live, especially with all of the humans around to enslave and destroy.  Luckily for us Earthlings there is another faction among the aliens who don’t wish to come to Earth and want to find a planet without intelligent life to move to.  So this creates a showdown between the good guy alien named Riker and the bad guys aliens lead by actor Billy Zane’s character. What happened to that guy that he is in movies like this now?  So back to the story, which has the good guy alien trying to stop the bad guy aliens and their human mercenaries from trying to build a portal to bring an army to conquer the Earth.  I suppose the army of mercenaries (which are actually the same 6 or 8 guys wearing masks) must be deaf because they seem to miss the conversations about destroying the human race that continually happen in front of them.  Along the way to stop the bad aliens the good alien ends up with a teenage girl as a sidekick.  This leads to a very disturbing “encounter” in a hotel room that made me want to turn off the movie and throw the DVD out the window.  So guess what?  Yeah Billy Zane’s evil plot is defeated and the portal is destroyed in a blaze of CGI glory.   

    Okay so I knew that I was doomed when the aliens attacked a “high” security ford pickup truck with plywood sides that was transporting a vital piece of electronic equipment.  But it gets even better from there when not minutes later an “advanced” alien warrior decides not to shoot the good alien with his machine gun when he is 10 feet away.  No he throws the gun down and jumps onto the hood of his car instead!  You know alien invaders that are this smart just don’t scare me at all.  The rest of the plot of this movie is just as illogical, stupid, and forgettable.  In fact the only thing that I can remember about this movie is that aliens really dig karate and samurai swords, but who doesn’t?  Most of the performances in this movie range from terrible to really terrible.  First of all is Billy Zane.  Dude what happened?  Did you piss of someone?  Maybe you owed someone a favor?  I can’t imagine there was much of a paycheck here.  But at least you didn’t put any effort into the performance so I suppose it was worth the pittance I imagine you were paid.  One other cast member I have to point out is the “actress” named Emma Lahana.  Do everyone a favor and go take a few acting classes.  She spends the entire movie rolling her eyes and looking off-screen at what I imagine are cue cards.  Oh wait my bad she actually cries a couple of times as well while rolling her eyes and looking off-screen.  That is multitasking right there!   

    A few other things I want to mention.  CGI muzzle flashes and bullet hits that look like they came from an Xbox game.  Plenty of nausea inducing shaky camera work during most of the fight sequences.  Aliens that look like static from when TV actually came to the house over an antenna.  Big burley men being used as stunt doubles for women.  Some z grade karate that looks like an episode of Power Rangers.  Yeah that about sums it up.   

This is a terrible movie that isn’t even worth a 99-cent rental.  Avoid this one like the plague.   

Rating - 1/2*

- John “El Juan” Shatzer