I’ve said it before and I’ll say
it again, I love clowns. Some people seem to be absolutely terrified
of them for whatever reason, myself though, I just think they are cool,
especially when they are used effectively in genre movies; Killer Klowns
from Outer Space fucking rocked, the recent 100 Tears fucking rocked,
even good old Pennywise in the movie adaptation of Mr. King’s It was
one cool motherfucker. The problem is for each of the aforementioned
there seem to be half-a-dozen more movies that you’d only watch if
the alternative was having a clown tap dance on your balls.
All of which brings me nicely to this
shocker of a release from those good folk at Lionsgate. This seems to
be a company that has no real middle ground with its releases, especially
of late. They release some real gems on occasion, only then to bombard
us with some utter shite, and yes it pains me to say that Dead Clowns
seems to have arrived in the latest bombardment. I mean come on, how
the hell can you go wrong with a title like Dead Clowns? They’re clowns,
they’re dead, it’s borderline genius damnit. Well, after watching
this you will see how and why.
The premise of the movie is actually
quite decent; fifty years after a traveling circus are involved in a
train crash in which the clown car is never recovered from its watery
grave the clowns come back to seek their revenge. A revenge that is
set to a backdrop of one hell of a nasty hurricane. The problem is that
the execution is, for want of a better word, terrible.
The movie follows several groups of
the town’s residents as they brace themselves for the storm, scenes
which go on for bloody ages it seems like. We have two guys, a jigsaw
and a flashlight, a middle-aged couple (that serve no purpose other
than to fill us in on the back-story, and to reveal that her father
caused the accident), a random theatre security guard, a couple of Bonnie
and Clyde wannabe’s and a few other various characters. None of the
characters have any real interaction with anyone else though, so in
effect you have half-a-dozen stories all running at once that go nowhere.
Eventually, after what seemed like an
eternity the clowns pop up to wreak some carnage, and I do mean pop
up. All of a sudden they are in bathrooms, closets and any number of
other places. How did they get there? Did everyone leave their doors
open in the middle of the storm, and not notice a bunch of zombified
clowns wandering about their houses looking for somewhere to hide?
Anyhow, maybe the clowns will breathe
some life into proceedings? Granted they do look pretty good, well as
good as you might expect after being buried at sea for 50 years. The
trouble is their clothing looks bloody immaculate! The clowns themselves
are a rotted mess, but their costumes seem to have faired remarkably
well. Despite this they get on to kill a few people in relatively gory
ways; the gore while not a prevalent as I would hope is done fairly
well considering the film’s obvious low budget.
Maybe the acting will help things? Nope,
not going to happen I’m afraid as most of it is very poor. We do get
Debbie Rochon and Brinke Stevens trying their best to add some quality
to the movie, but it just isn’t enough. Aside from the poor acting,
lack of any characterization, random plot strands and magical teleporting
zombies this movie continues at the same pace from start to finish,
in which to say it is very slow. It does perk up a little towards the
end, but by that time I was already fidgeting and getting mildly annoyed.
Needless to say I was incredibly unimpressed
by the entire flick, and would only recommend it to zombie/clown movie
obsessives. If the makers had cut out some of the pointless footage
and maybe amped up the clown action and thrown in at least one likeable
character this could have been a much better movie. You have been warned.
Rating - *
- Jude Felton