Bloodtype Online

       Be warned that there isn’t much to the plot of this movie so pay close attention.  The film is set in the late 1700s during a turbulent time in the area that is now Poland.  A political prisoner is set free from a jail that is run by nuns.  The man who saves him is very strange and disappears almost as quickly as he appears.  The former prisoner and a nun whom the stranger sent off with him ride a horse for a while before stumbling upon a group of performers in the woods.  They try to take his clothes off so he flees with his nun until he finds his former fiancé who is marrying a man in what I think was meant to be a metaphor for pledging allegiance to the state.  Then he goes to his home and finds a midget who tells him his father is dead and his sister likes to be beaten, which leads him to a whorehouse where he tries to have sex with his mother who doesn’t recognize him right away.  After running around some more the movie ends with the stranger who set him free trying to have sex with the nun who cuts off his willy with a razor.  Minus his willy the man turns into a dog and the nun and former prisoner dance around the corpse.  Got that? 

    This goddamn thing is two freaking’ hours long.  Seriously it made me want to kill myself, but for you guys I felt like I had to watch it.  I understand that the filmmakers had to tell their story in thinly veiled metaphors because they were living in an oppressive environment (Communist Poland) and were attacking the state and all that it stood for.  Guess what?  You failed because the movie was hidden away until after the fall of Communism.  I personally think that the government should have released the movie.  I for one would have seen this pretentious, confusing waste of time and would of immediately signed up for the party!  This is a miserable boring waste of time.   

Zero Stars

-John "El Juan" Shatzer