Bloodtype Online

    

      Danica McKellar (from “The Wonder Years”) stars as Emily, a geeky college biology major  that goes on a trip with a group of horror movie cliché to visit Vincent and Mary Shelley King’s (Theme in horror movie names anyone?) remote island to study the animals and plant. Biology isn’t really focused on in this plot. These teens are somehow pawns in Vicent and Mary Shelley’s vicious filmmaking games. This wacky intentions are to make films with the teens but their films are more on the underground side of filmmaking. Before the groups of student’s get snuffed they sit around having awkward conversations about films. They just name drop “Nosferatu”, “Hellraiser” and “Saw”. All of these conversations take place on a boat. With a movie like “Scream” the references and homage’s are clever. These kids just sound like idiotic non horror fans reading lines. While watching this film I imagined that Matt Flynn appreciates the genre because the film becomes smarter as it moves along. Still there is no excuse for such god awful and forced dialog to be kept in this film. 

      The group of college students consist of a flamboyantly homosexual Asian male, a weed toking black dude (His character is so paper thin I consider it hilariously racist), a blazing hot foreign exchange student, a bitchy blonde party bimbo, an frat boy jock and a Emily’s crush Johnny ( the only likeable character other than the sweetheart Emily). Right away their teacher Mr. Argento (That’s not clever… “Night of the Creeps” did shit like that) gets killed and so does their ship captain JT Bates. They weren’t supposed to come to shore until the next day so they felt no need to worry. While Emily is hell bent on studying the rest of the group wants to party. Soon they compromise and the group becomes much more enjoyable to watch. As soon as they begin to split up the King’s begin their 8mm reality snuff films that they stage to resemble classic horror movies. These scenes are much more enjoyable than the half ass references made on the boat trip to the island. Sean Kanan and Juliet Landua did a fantastic job as the husband and wife film fanatics. Watching Sean Kanan deliver a classic line like “Heeeeer’s Johnny” didn’t annoy me one bit because of the amount of intensity, humor and dedication he put into two words. 

      The gore is pretty damn good for low budget. Heads get crushed, necks get bitten and Burt Young gets killed off  impressively. Watching Juliette Landau parade around in a clown outfit was priceless before killing an annoying character was great. Some of the jokes have their charms but nothing will have you busting a gut laughing. I love the manipulated 8mm footage that the King’s shoot while setting up their reality horror gags. Another plus is a during a plot twist that makes fun of "The Ring". I seriously got a kick out of that one and another kill that was set up the look like a kill from "The Birds".

      Did I mention that William Forsythe shows up as a red herring turned leprechaun that saves the day. His accent is sort of impressive and I am surprised to see him in this slice of cheese. Still his presence is welcome as he is one of my favorite actors. The film has plenty of blood spray, make up effects and body parts lying all over the place. The film makes a mistake by going the plot twist route but the twist does make sense. The ball gets dropped when incest gets thrown into this story. No incest is shown and I don’t care if something like that is shown or not. If it fits, it fits? They use this perversion in order to make a cheap campy shock in a b movie that was already below average.  Still some of the gore and things happen during the gory finale are incredible. Heads explode, dead characters come back to life and there seems to be an additional plot twist right before the credits. I can't tell if Matt Flynn was implying that another minor character was in cahoots with the King's. Actually I am not to big on that final reveal but the gore that proceeds it is grade A plus!

      Now is there nudity? One Pair baby! This film definitely has the best pair of boobs I’ve seen in film in 2007. Her name is Gabrielle Richens and she plays the hotty Sylvia. In what was supposed to be a sex scene she gets covered in blood after her lover was sawed in half. The gore was just thrown on her opposed to watch her lover being sawed in half. Still it was some sexy fucking fun! McKellar doesn’t flash and I wouldn’t want to see that from the “Wonder Years” sweetheart. She is cute and likeable all the way through and she eventually shows that she is quite a hotty herself without having to show it all off. 

      The film is fun but I can’t quite recommend a film that lazily references horror films in some moments. Sometimes they were spot on but that was only when the King’s were speaking. I know the characters were supposed to be stupid clichés. Its not like they made dumb choices. I mean they were just stupidly written. Nothing rang true to life for a seconds. Four of the characters were absolutely a drag to listen too. 

      I wish the main focus would have been the King’s the entire movie because they attacked their roles with hilarious passion. They give this movie another reason to take notice. Other than them I did enjoy the one pair of titties and a number of gore sequences. I am not sure if the DVD I have is flawed or if the sound is echoed in the middle of this film on all the DVD’s. It’s distracting for a while but I get over it. The film is shitty but it’s a fun shitty time and the gore might turn some people on just as much as Gabrielle Richens. She is unbelievable. This film paid homage to films that used to get bashed by critics. I like most of the slashers that critics attacked back in the 80's but this film annoyed me more than it entertained me. Still watching a bimbo get bricked in the forehead is always fun. Below is a low rating but at times a fun movie that I couldn't quite give a half decent star rating.

* 1/2 

-Russ Rutter