Bloodtype Online

    Richard is in love with his wife.  The only problem is that she has been running around with another man.  Richard takes this very hard and while sulking stumbles across an infomercial for a service that will turn you into a vampire.  This seems like an excellent way for Richard to get back at his wife, so after writing her out of his will he contracts with the service.  While he expects some Bela Lugosi looking old dude, what he actually gets is a beautiful woman who he is immediately smitten with.  After a night of passion and talking she turns him, but before he can rise his wife has him cremated because she is broke.  Five years later someone bleeds on his urn and he returns to life, only to discover that there has been a war between the humans and the vampires.  A war that the vampires lost, so now he is being hunted and if that weren’t enough he finds himself targeted by a cult of ultra violent vampires that are trying to create eternal night thru human sacrifice! 

    I think that I can best sum up this movie by letting all of you know that Kato Kaelin has a featured role in it.  This is an attempt to make a horror comedy on a very low budget.  Unfortunately the script isn’t really that funny.  Sure I’ll admit that there are a few moments in the movie where I was cracking a smile, but for the most part I was groaning at the terrible one-liners and stupid situations.  This situation isn’t helped by an overabundance of “stunt casting”.  This movie has more “B”, no scratch that “D” list actors than I’ve ever seen.  I was going to put a list together here, but damn it I just don’t have the time so check out IMDB if you must.  The movie would have been much better served having actors with comedic timing, rather than filling out the cast with familiar faces.  The one exception is Anne Lockhart, veteran of Battle Star Galatica and Buck Rodgers in the 25^th Century.  She was hot to a 12-year-old El Juan and she is still hot playing flirty 50 something vampire chick.   

    Technically I have to say that the movie looks pretty damn good. Clearly it was shot on Digital, but they do a great job in lighting the scenes.  Additionally the movie sounds great.  So it is pretty clear they had good equipment and someone who knows how to use it.  Unfortunately this movie falls into one of the biggest pitfalls of low budget horror films, bad CGI.  You have shitty looking muzzle flashes and fake looking blood splatter.  These are two things that can be easily done on set, so this is inexcusable.  Also the fight choreography is terrible.  You can see the actors waiting for their cues to kick and throw punches.   

    At best this is a mediocre attempt at low budget filmmaking.  I can’t recommend that anyone spend money to buy this movie, but if you are bored and want to rent it I suppose that would be okay.   

**

-John "El Juan" Shatzer