Okay so Iím going to do my
best to try and explain the plot of this movie. In ancient times,
or so one of the characters says while reading a book in German, there
was a witch that tried to save her unborn child from being burned at
the stake by throwing herself out of the window of a turn of the century
hotel. The hotel, clearly from the late 1800s or early 1900s sits
on an Island off the Massachusetts coast. So I never knew that
they built hotels or that there were even Europeans in America in ďancientĒ
times, but hey look David Hasselhoff is in it! Back in the less
ancient times there was a movie actress that shot a film on the island
and fell in love with it and retired to the hotel. She quit making
movies and became a witch that wants to steal Linda Blairís baby.
Oh wait no she wants to put the souls of those she kills into the baby
and use it as a power source. No scratch that she wants to possess
Linda Blair and have a bad hair day. You know what I donít really
know what the hell she wants to do. I can tell you that she has
a demonic dude with really bad makeup on his mouth violate a virgin
and get her pregnant, but Iím not sure that was part of any plan.
I suppose it could be. Hey did I mention that David Hasselhoff
is in it? He was the Knight rider you know.
This movie has had so many
titles that I wonít even begin to try and warn you off of all of them.
Just do yourself a favor and if you see Hasselhoff and Blair in a movie
together avoid it. This movie is really terrible. The plot,
well do I even have to go into it after the synopsis above? It
just doesnít make any sense. Other than Hasselhoff and Blair,
who are trying, the cast sucks almost as much as the script. Lines
are delivered in a wooden monotone that will put you to sleep if you
arenít careful. I had hoped for some nudity and sleaze, but
other than one ďviolationĒ there isnít much here. Even that
scene is terrible because of the actress. She sucks bad enough
that even showing her breasts canít save the scene.
There are a couple of interesting
gore shots, but not enough to save this mess. Any props that the
effects may have earned the film are lost with the lame ass swirling
red light that indicates the characters are traveled to Hell.
At least I think it was Hell. They even throw in a scene where
someone chews on a plastic baby doll; whoops I mean a horrifying scene
where they eat a baby. Yeah it is that bad.
Avoid this one guys.
I picked my copy up in the Eurotrash triple feature from Shriek show.
Faceless makes the set worth the $15, but just throw this one away.
Rating - Zero
- John ďEl JuanĒ Shatzer